On the six month anniversary of the day I quit drinking, I marked the occasion by attending a meeting. It seemed appropriate, plus I wanted to get my coin. Getting the coin for six months was important to me; it signified that this was actually happening and that the subsequent ongoing attempt was real.

I hadn't been going to meetings as frequently as I was for that first month, so I got asked what was keeping me sober. I almost said, "I just don't feel like drinking." But that answer is cheap, it doesn't hold up to scrutiny and it's only partially correct. Despite seeming a bit exposed, I answered honestly: Working on my website. The design, the programming, the layout, the content; it's kept me focused on something positive at a time where I'm surrounded by perceived constant negativity.

I could tell my answer wasn't taken seriously, especially since I wasn't approaching this endeavor exactly how I was "supposed to", which continues to be my main criticism of supposedly agnostic recovery programs. I'm also relatively sure that at least a couple of them read the previous post, because things were said during the meeting that seemed very pointed, but were obviously not aggressive or accusatory. They were just... vaguely on-topic to that post, in an anonymous context, in a way that was almost too specific to be coincidental.

Regardless, I was told straight-up that if I don't get a sponsor and start working the steps, that I'm going to drink again. Up to that point, there had been traces of toxicity within that I was willing to overlook. They mostly had to do with very wrong opinions about recovery, but they were few, isolated, and only coming from maybe two people. However, this very much crossed a line. Whether or not this person's intentions were good was irrelevant; this charged statement was seemingly meant to ramp my anxiety, and influence me to get in line and do things "the right way", regardless of whether or not it felt right to me.

For me, that sealed the deal: I was done with that program. And honestly, the overall experience I had after my first sobriety post had left me feeling a lot less generous with the good will I expressed in that post.

That was six months ago. I haven't been back and I don't plan to be back. You know what else I haven't done? Had a drink.

Will I be sober a year from now? Maybe, maybe not. Overall, that's completely irrelevant, given that we're taking things one day at a time. It doesn't matter if I'm drinking tomorrow, so long as I'm not drinking today; we work on tomorrow when tomorrow comes. That's supposed to be the fucking point.

And this, right here, has very much helped me. Whether I'm consolidating more of my past projects, working on the backend, adding optimizations, building new features or just putting down what I need to put down to feel better about everything going on in my life. And it's not even just about the catharsis; let's just say, I can see now why dwarves go insane when they're not allowed to build their masterwork objects.

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You read the title, so you know exactly where this is going. And yes, this folds right back around into hVmark. Because of course it does.

In Featurecreepin', I waxed on about trying not to over-complicate a tiny piece of software that still continues to receive updates and new features. I've had people tell me I betrayed the concept of hVmark as soon as I started adding new markers and holy shit, could I not disagree more.

I said that adding QoL features would be redundant since it is a QoL. Yes, but it is still a QoL. It's going to be upgraded based on my usage patterns, which was the general concept of hVmark from the beginning. Yes, edge cases are meant to be circumvented through hard-coded HTML. However, if I find myself hard-coding one specific convention over and over again, it would actively be stupid of me not to just fold it into the parser and let hVmark handle that bullshit for me.

I will say, things have... evolved on this site in the last seven months. However, even with minor liberties, the root concept has remained consistent throughout. I'd say it's become even more of what it should be, and it's done so with little to no bloat in the process.

If you've found it hard to follow the last few paragraphs, I think you get the idea that a lot of work has gone into this site, and a lot of work will continue to go into it. The system's design, the structure, the constraints, the problem solving; it keeps me focused on something positive, which keeps me sober. As does getting messages about how my writing has resonated deeply with complete strangers from around the world. Of course, not in huge numbers, but to know at least one person was moved by something I wrote is rewarding in a way not many get to experience.

So, yeah. One year and a few days. Stay tuned for more bullshit.

[ https://hisvirusness.com/its-been-that-long ]