A few days ago, I celebrated four months of sobriety. And, I gotta tell ya, it feels really good to be able to actually think clearly, even if stuff still gets jumbled and chaotic upstairs.

This is my longest streak in the last 15 years. Before this current run, the longest I went was a month. Back when I was doing stand-up comedy, the guy who ran an open mic I went to every week challenged me to give up drinking for a month and do nothing but my sober material on stage. In so many words, he told me to drop the Virus shit and be normal on stage. I was honestly more bothered about being challenged to not shout at people during my act than not drink, but I accepted. For a month, at every mic and showcase I performed at, I did my regular stuff, which included jokes about Duck Dynasty and Burn Notice, just to give you an idea at how long ago this was. And I didn't drink.

After the month was over, I actually got better at doing stand-up comedy and coming up with new material. The guy said I should consider just... doing that from now on. Thing was, I didn't want to, so I went right back into my Virus shit. And drinking.

When you really think about it, drinking is a self-inflicted chemical imbalance. "In moderation" is great on paper, but some people are just bad at moderation. And it's absolutely going to do no favors to somebody who already has a lot of carnage going on upstairs; if anything, it'll make things much, much worse. In my case, it enabled me to put off my goals and my passions, believing that they'll get done eventually. They don't have to get done today, after all. Then, after so much time has passed with no progress being made, getting depressed about it and drinking more. Not even once considering that the action of working towards said goals brings a lot more fulfillment than spending the weekend sitting in my apartment hammered. Mostly because by then, thinking clearly wasn't exactly on the table, and would be afk until I sobered up.

It's the chicken and the egg: In order to think clearly, you have to stop. But stopping is damn near impossible, given that you're not thinking clearly. Just one random synapse has to fire up off-beat to spring you into a fleeting moment of lucidity enough to literally wake you the fuck up and realize you need help.

Recovery programs are great, and do a lot of good for people seeking help and their families. Having said that, I really don't like how... metaphysical and dogmatic they are. Like... I can practice having gratitude agnostically, right? Why do I have to involve God in a personal matter?

"But Paul, Alcoholics Anonymous is not a religious organization."
Read Chapter 4 of The Big Book, then say that to me again with a straight face. In the modern day, they are "spiritual, not religious" and of course welcome people of all beliefs. However, in my experience, everything is still filtered through a monotheistic lens that mirrors modern-day Christianity, and when it does, I have to work hard not to tune the fuck out. I'm not interested; theology is not my thing, and I'm speaking from lived-in experience.

That's not a critique on the people, however. They're very kind and supportive; I don't have a bad thing to say about anyone in the program. But... there's only so many times you can hear about someone being spoken to by God. Yet, when I try to claim that my Higher Power is Ra's al Ghul, I'm sternly told that I have to take the process more seriously.

Regardless of that, I'm feeling really good. Physically and accomplishment-wise. Will it last? Who knows? All I know is that tonight, I'm not drinking. And, that's kinda the point: One day at a time.

Also, don't worry: I'm still hopelessly addicted to caffeine. And I mean hopelessly. If you even insinuate that it's a problem, things will get irrationally violent real quick. When you see me, you better check to see if I have a Pepsi in my hand, because if I don't, the odds of everyone getting punched in the face are at 85%. How else am I supposed to have my sleepless daydream nightmares at 1:30 in the afternoon while I'm warping across the Stevenson at 85 MPH?

...This has gotten off the rails. I'm gonna call it here. Thanks for reading; stay tuned for more bullshit.