Yesterday, I was doing some food delivery, and I got sent to deliver a large order of cookies to an office. First off, the number of cookies this place ordered was, for lack of a better word, inappropriate. Six boxes, fifty cookies per box; you do the math. And this wasn't a catering order: These were just cookies for one office. And not like cookies from a store; cookies from a place that has the word "cookies" in their business name.
Anyway, I'm carrying this unnecessary amount of cookies into this building. I stop at the front desk, and notice the lady behind it is very cute. She has no idea about this ridiculous order or where it's going, but she breaks the ice and asks, "Are those for me?" I answer, "Well, they could be..." I then look around in an exaggerated way and say, "For $300." She laughs and goes back to what she was doing. Which was fine, because I still needed to track down the basketcase that ordered all of these God damn cookies.
After, I get in my car and think, "That front desk clerk was cute, and you had her laughing. You should have asked her out." It's not a millisecond later that my brain immediately went, "No! 'yOu HaD hEr LaUgHiNg.' Yeah, like that's hard to do. She wasn't flirting, she was being polite. And she was at work; last thing that woman needs is to deal with your bullshit."
It got me thinking about an exchange I had with someone back when I was driving a shuttle for people with special needs. I was picking this guy in a wheelchair up from a doctor's appointment he had, and it was hard to not notice that this man was... over-dressed. Like, to the point of being distracting, especially given that the only thing he did that day was go to the doctor. I asked him why and his response was, "I'm trying to get a girlfriend."
That's... an answer, I guess. Whatever. Over the course of the next half hour, I've learned that this guy is literally asking out anyone within his orbit that he's even vaguely attracted to. Doesn't matter where the woman is, or what she's doing. I'm trying to gently float concepts like, "context", "consent", "respect"; anything that would otherwise impede this very obvious desperation he's unwillingly putting on others who didn't ask for it. Every single comment I make is met with a confused, "But I'm trying to get a girlfriend, though."
He was lonely, and I get that. I'm well acquainted with loneliness, and I'm very well acquainted with rejection. But... bothering people just trying to live their lives isn't going to fix that. If anything, it's going to give off the absolute wrong signals that you're trying to send. "But... gurlfren, tho..."
And I do practice what I preach, possibly to a fault. Could that front desk clerk have been into me? Maybe. But, let's be honest: I looked like shit, as I do almost anytime I step outside. Whether or not I actually looked like shit is immaterial, given I put little to no effort in how I look. This is my typical ensemble:
"Well, for many, that's enough." That doesn't take into account the other divide: Just a general lack of interest. Anytime those thoughts do come up, I become mentally and emotionally exhausted. Then as soon as that happens, my brain asks that very important question: "What could you possibly bring into this person's life that is positive at all?"
And I know there are things, because of course there are. However, I don't think there are any because I constantly dwell on all of my flaws. I'm short-tempered, I'm bitter, I'm pushy; I don't know if you've noticed, but I can be very critical, especially of myself. I have a litany of intimacy and trust issues that have been developing for the last few years. As lonely as I get, I don't want to burden someone else with my bullshit. To answer that pop song from the late 90's, yeah: I'm probably better off alone.
Will I always feel that way? Probably not. I could totally be way off with how I feel and what I think about this. Hell, I probably won't even be single a year from now; the future is not set, anything could happen. However, I do stand by what I said to that guy, and I think I was right for allowing that nice woman to just move on with her day. The time and space of others should be respected. Loneliness really fucking sucks, but it's no excuse to force yourself into someone else's day.